Today was my first snow day and I went sledding. And by that I mean I used the sled once and watched everyone else. I miss my friends. This process of getting to know people when you know no one is extremely difficult. All the walls I thought God conquered for me have reformed and I just want to recluse daily. It is extremely frustrating being incapable of feeling comfortable in my skin, especially when I was there a month ago. I had fun, but I wanted Jimmy, Colin or Mikey to be there acting insane. I want my comfort zone back. I empathize with Jenn and her move almost a year ago.
However, God is making leaps and bounds in our relationship. I am learning to come to Him, to talk to Him and love Him first. He is changing me constantly and I am just along for the ride. There is nothing I can do or say so I might as well surrender. He is making me see Him as my comfort zone and hopefully soon I will feel that. It was so easy to be lost in love with God when everyone around me was too. It is a whole different situation when you're surrounded by people who may or may not feel that way. Do not get me wrong, there are tons of people here who love Christ. A ton! But I am not involved yet.
I wrote in my journal last night. God is really taking over my heart. Most of the time I am very content, I know this is where I am supposed to be and I am enjoying each second. Despite the strong pain of missing friends, I really am content in Jesus and the relationship being built with Him. He is showing me His love and how to let Him shine through me. I hope to be further consumed and then freed by Him. I hope to grow more in love with Him and to turn outward and not inward. To do more ministry and start my life in missions. I hope he destroys the selfish me and brings forth the selfless Him. I desperately want to be comfortable, but I am also strangely grateful for this introverted feeling because I am spending my time in His word, watching John Piper videos and actually doing homework. I am praying more for others and not just for my own growth, I am very slowly learning to complain less and keep my mouth shut, though I still fail every day at that. I have a huge desire to be honest and accountable, even more responsible. God is working in me and showing me Himself instead of me trying to go to others for them to tell me the changes they can see. I am learning to trust Him.
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