Growth and Conviction

It has been a while since I have put anything in here. This is because I have had to censor myself. Which could only be done by not saying anything at all.

"If you cannot say something nice, do not say anything at all."

I used to believe that to be a constricting, and silly way to look at things. Now, I think that is the best cliche advice I have ever been given. This has given me the ability to wait. To be still and meet my God before I speak.

That may very well sound insane to some people. But that is really okay, I have realize that is not my job to convince anyone of my life, it's values, or of God. He will reveal what He wants revealed.  Anyway, rabbit trail.

I have had a very difficult time this semester. This school has been the most challenging place to be in. More than the painful family troubles, more than living on my own, more than a bad relationship, and more than a desperately broken heart. This places has brought challenges, crisis of faith, and at a small point  ready to abandon God completely. I have questions, tested and doubted everything. Just so now I can stand more firmly in the reality of Christ. It is not just a belief, opinion or point of view. It is reality. God has done things I cannot begin to explain. He has showed me parts of myself I did not know existed and repaired things that I believed to be permanently destroyed. Why should I feel the need to ever prove that to someone? Why take away from my experience by using it to convince someone else when it was specifically designed to convince me and only me?!

God has convicted me of so many things that I do feel I should share as much as I can remember:

• Judging. I moved here, had a mediocre heart, and in that I passed judgement over so many students and faculty here. Just for the record, I am horribly embarrassed to admit this, but humility comes no other way. God used this to have someone speak into my life as soon as I repented to Him. It was followed by two other events that solidified that is was God.
• Hypocrisy. I feel like the previous paragraph also explains this.
• Selfishness. I wanted to come home. I wanted to come home with such a hard-hearted-ness that I was ignoring God's very gentle voice. I suppressed Him so harshly that terrifying things walked into my life. Negative thoughts, perceptions, opinions took over my heart. And to make it worse, from the overflow of the Heart the mouth speaks.
• Bitterness, anger, hatred. These all sprung from the previous.

These are just a few. But they were the most toxic. God used them, though! He used them to soften my heart after the hardening! The pastor of the church I attend here made a really awesome analogy based on the scripture of new wine and old sack cloth. He said that our hearts are the old sack cloth and when God pours out into our hearts it causes them to rip and leak. But as we allow Him to give us new hearts, he can pour His new life into us. That is a less attractive, shorter version than what Tim said. I loved it though, and God started breaking me Sunday with that message. He provided the most amazing people to work through these difficult hurts with me. They prayed over me, listened to me, gave me advice and advised others to further help.

God loves me. He is using some ridiculous circumstances to show me this. I am in shock and awe. I forgot who He was and the promises He has established for us. He is working on breaking more and more of myself away and adding more and more of His perfect love. He is showing me areas He has used me and other areas that He wants to use me and He will not even let me say no.

This was supposed to go into a completely different direction. I was going to write about how I am learning to walk with God from some personal Bible studies. But...this is where it has led.

So I guess this is the public announcement (again) saying that I will not be walking away from this College. Despite the very Godly advice of some, God has made His will clear and I know that my support system respects and loves that. Unless some very blatant Doctrine issues arise directly from leadership, I am unable to turn away from what God is doing here. The people He has specifically brought into my life have managed just live in a way that has forced my eyes open. And what God has shown me cannot be unseen. This excites me.

"...but Christ is all, and is in all."

Colossians 3:8-17. Epic.
Late night rant that may or may not make sense:

God is doing something. I am seeing Him move, starting things in my heart that used to just be head concepts. Now He is opening my eyes and heart, showing me how to love people. Do we every really think about that? Oh 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Or Colossians 3:12-14. These are so overused! But have you ever actually looked at them, really stopped at each descriptive word and then applied it to your daily life?
1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
"Love is patient, love is kind." When you are driving and the old man in front of you is scared to actually put more than is pinky toe on that gas peddle...patient? When someone asks to borrow something, but they should just go buy it for themselves...kind?
"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." When you see your co-worker doing a better job than you and you just wish you could have their work ethic. Or you wish you had the sense of humor, looks, sincerity, etc of your friend...envy? When you feel particularly more intelligent then your classmate who does not know as much about what politics are compared to you...boasting, proud?
"It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." When you gossip about the girl who goes through boyfriends like tissues and lacks all morals ever...dishonor? Self-seeking? When your friend does not answer your phone calls and you just know it is because she is ignoring you, because this is the 8th time you've called and she blah blah blah...list of wrongs?
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." So how often throughout our day do others see Christ shining through us?! When we choose not to react to a jerk comment made out of malice and love anyway. When we choose not to make note every time our friend lets us down because we see how many times we have failed Christ but he separates our sins against him as from as east from west.

God is taking his word and expanding it in my heart and mind. And I get insecure about this! I worry that I should not be so wrapped up in Him. That there is something wrong with the fact that I think about and talk about God all day everyday. He is my favorite topic. That is just stupid! Why should I regret that? Especially while at a school among people who believe the same as me. Paul suffered for Christ everyday, He only boasted in Him. Praise God I can have glimpses of my life pan out in the same way! How silly of me to be embarrassed of showing His love. The fear of offending someone with love is irrational. I can be so prideful!

Despite everything, the pain of this week, the sadness I have for the people suffering back home, I love God and I trust Him with my entire life. He has a plan and He is working it out. Praise God that I am able to have compassion and mourn with those who mourn, why am I ashamed of such a blessing? Because the ability to mourn is also paired with the ability to rejoice. I also have the compassion to rejoice with the rejoicing!

This week my heart, body, mind and soul have been mourning, questioning and fighting. I cannot understand or fathom why there is so much intense pain in this world. Why people torture each other. Why they tear one another down and then kick them. It destroys me to see. But.
I will devote myself to prayer, being watchful and thankful (Col. 4:2).

Challenges

Being up here is crazy challenging. I did not realize how sheltered, in a sense, I was from the world. God had me in the beautiful little bubble of friends and mentors or loved Him more than life. They walked the Gospel everyday, even though they were completely imperfect, they strive to move forward. I was never intensely challenged by other beliefs or other opinions, even. I am so thankful for that though, having such a concentrated dose of one idea really drove me forward. Now I am being more challenged, and instead of crumbling I am researching. Digging deeper into The Bible and bringing the challenges to it. My prayer life and communication with God is increasing immensely, and I am actually hearing Him and seeing His direction. Not in a literal sense, but in crazy ways through other people, sermons, books, history, classes, all combined with the Bible. It is better than a voice. It is validating and securing.

I am on fire to make a difference in people's lives. I want to have facts and evidence to show people as well as the important aspect of faith in it's reality. I want to love and serve people no matter how they treat me. My love will be as unconditional as possible because that is what God wants of me. It will not be based upon if you see what I see or hear what I hear or feel what I feel. It will be because God showed me grace and love and how to show that to others by example. If that wins hearts than I will praise Jesus, and if it does not then I will not lose mine. My faith is not determined by other's but it is inspired. God works everything, good as well as BAD, for His glory.

And Ohhh how He loves us :)

Humility, Discernment and Snow

Today was my first snow day and I went sledding. And by that I mean I used the sled once and watched everyone else. I miss my friends. This process of getting to know people when you know no one is extremely difficult. All the walls I thought God conquered for me have reformed and I just want to recluse daily. It is extremely frustrating being incapable of feeling comfortable in my skin, especially when I was there a month ago. I had fun, but I wanted Jimmy, Colin or Mikey to be there acting insane. I want my comfort zone back. I empathize with Jenn and her move almost a year ago.

However, God is making leaps and bounds in our relationship. I am learning to come to Him, to talk to Him and love Him first. He is changing me constantly and I am just along for the ride. There is nothing I can do or say so I might as well surrender. He is making me see Him as my comfort zone and hopefully soon I will feel that. It was so easy to be lost in love with God when everyone around me was too. It is a whole different situation when you're surrounded by people who may or may not feel that way. Do not get me wrong, there are tons of people here who love Christ. A ton! But I am not involved yet.

I wrote in my journal last night. God is really taking over my heart. Most of the time I am very content, I know this is where I am supposed to be and I am enjoying each second. Despite the strong pain of missing friends, I really am content in Jesus and the relationship being built with Him. He is showing me His love and how to let Him shine through me. I hope to be further consumed and then freed by Him. I hope to grow more in love with Him and to turn outward and not inward. To do more ministry and start my life in missions. I hope he destroys the selfish me and brings forth the selfless Him. I desperately want to be comfortable, but I am also strangely grateful for this introverted feeling because I am spending my time in His word, watching John Piper videos and actually doing homework. I am praying more for others and not just for my own growth, I am very slowly learning to complain less and keep my mouth shut, though I still fail every day at that. I have a huge desire to be honest and accountable, even more responsible. God is working in me and showing me Himself instead of me trying to go to others for them to tell me the changes they can see. I am learning to trust Him.

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"

Tuesday, January 18th, I set off the alarm in my dorm by opening a door I apparently was not supposed to. Not my fault the sign was not up! And then 2 minutes later I slipped on a patch of ice and wiped out. By patch of ice I mean the whole of everything ground was frozen. And it was terrifying. I went to the whole deal of financial aid, IDs and getting my mailbox key. Then I hid in my dorm all day. That night Andy said I should come to dinner instead, so I did. Met people there, came back to my dorm, met a lot of the girls in my hall. All in all. Tuesday was a boring blog.
Wednesday, however, was awesome. Woke up to see the sunrise and get breakfast with my new friend Emily. Went to Chapel, which was nice, then had my People and Culture of Latin America class. It seems awesome. I have two professors, a wife and husband team, which is interesting. They made us homemade cupcakes. Then had Global Engagement with the Head of the Department of Cross Cultural Studies. I am going to love that class, as well. Had a break, dinner, and the Old Testament Lit, which I think I may be the only person in the class who is stoked for it to get started.

Okay. Enough blabbing about the boring details. I am going to talk about the thoughts developed. And....hopefully I avoid offending anyone. But I want to be transparent.
I love God. All of Him. The Trinity. I love His Bible. With my whole entire heart. He is my lifeline, my provider, my source of love, patience, kindness and the rest of the Fruit. My passion for learning of Him is unquenchable, but so satisfying. And having my spiritual growth happen in less than a year and my "baby food" coming from sources like John Piper, John MacArthur, Francis Chan, J.I. Packer, the Johanson's, and Clint (yes, I will throw my awesome mentors and pastor into the mix of those beautifully well known Christians) it should be understandable why my love for God is so deep and wildly reckless.
My classes yesterday were amazing, I cannot wait to really dive in deep with the reading and writing. And the whole praying before class thing is the coolest experience.
I only have a couple reservations. But I will be vague, as to try to find balance between transparency and unintentional gossip. One of my classes is a little sketchy, which was shocking. It will be a test of faith in the area of keeping humble (despite my intense background of teachers and mentors) and knowing that God has something for me. He teaches me through people who do not even believe in Him, so He will teach me through this class full of believers as well.
Meeting people is easy here. Developing relationships is difficult though. My group of friends back home really set a standard. They are so full of God it is consuming them completely. And they know me. They have seen me grow, they know my flaws and short comings but love me anyway. They constantly challenged me and aided in my growth. I am so scared to try to develop that here. I mean, I am petrified of it.
But I have found the area God is working on. My dependence on Him not being dependent on the relationships tangably around me. I need to love Him more and more whether I have people around me to build me up or not. He wants our relationship to be more intimate in that way.
This is the redeeming and exciting part of this transition. And this is where I am seeing a choice, to either focus on the fact that I haven't found a Jimmy, Jared, Jenn, Colin, Mikey, John Smith, Alto, etc replacement OR to focus on the fact that I have a lot of precious, uninterrupted time alone with Him. I have His word to aide me now. And I have prayer. I get to learn how to come to Jesus with my problems, concerns and worries and allow Him to provide the solutions. I do not need to go to my friends to seek advice and opinions to add to my own and then try to find His. I miss them all deeply. Those friendships are irreplaceable and even if this move causes so much change that I will never get a chance to see them again, the impact they had and continue to have is unmoved. And now, I am strong enough to walk with God alone, for this season.

"But what does it matter? The important thing is that in everyway, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." Philippians 1:18
"And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained." Philippians 3:15 and 1/2-16

Philippians 1:6

We woke up at 5am this morning in order to leave in time to get from Long Island to Nyack by 9am.
We arrived on campus at 7:30...wooops. But I was able to see the most beautiful sunrise, and enjoy the views as we drove, so it was worth it. I was the first student here, found my room, discovered it was a single room and unpacked everything before 10am. My mom and uncle TJ went and grabbed me some last minute things and before I had time to nap at all it was time to get a free lunch, see the mall, and get a campus tour.
This post is boring and uninspired because I am 100% exhausted.
However, God is the most amazing...Creator. He has provided everything I could never dream up and I will be eternally grateful...hopefully. I have a tendency to get distracted and selfish. But He is faithful in correcting me :)
Susie, I'll post pictures tomorrow.
I love you guys, I'm praying for you guys, and I cannot wait to keep you close as I grow in these next few months.

-Shnana!

The First Step

So here I am. Moved to New York and in about 16 hours I will be moved into my dorm. This has been the craziest year, well really two years. God has changed my life 180 degrees. I cannot wait to get started with classes and meeting people.
I guess this blog is just to keep my close friends and family back home updated on my life and the guaranteed huge changes about to take place.
I. Am. STOKED. :)